I Don't Want to Say Goodbye
by ErinacchiLove
Summary: After Thorin's death in Battle of Five Armies Bilbo is left to deal with the feelings of the fleeting romance they shared. Will he ever be able to feel happy again? (My Heart Will Go On feels)


One of my few songfics. I listened to My Heart Will Go On last Tuesday night (3rd of September) and got the idea of this story... and just started to write. It's angsty romance or romantic angst, whatever you feel fit to call it. I give a big thanks for my friend Naechii for the name. The workname was sobfest2013 because I cried so much when I wrote it. I don't know what sort of a masochist I am for toying with my feelings like that. Naturally I do not own anything you recogise as property of Professor Tolkien or the movie scriptwriters.

Also loosely inspired/based on this fan video I saw on YouTube. Since this site hates links I'll just say you can find it by searching "The Hobbit" and "My Heart Will Go On".

* * *

~..~

Every night in my dreams  
I see you, I feel you  
That is how I know you go on

~..~

* * *

The first couple of years were the hardest. Either Bilbo had nightmares or spent the night without sleeping at all. The sleepless nights were more often than not what followed the nightmares and after seeing them he did not dare to fall asleep again, for he knew far too well what sort of dreams haunted him. Sometimes he dreamt of being on the battle field in front of the Lonely Mountain. Truth be told he did not mind those dreams. Actually Bilbo rather dreamt about death and destruction. The other alternative was to dream about Fíli and Kíli, or Thorin on his deathbed. Too often Bilbo had woken up covered in sweat and tears in his eyes. Oh, what he would not give just to see Thorin alive.

Even worse were the nights when Bilbo dreamt of what could have been. Thorin could have been alive, as could have Fíli and Kíli, Bilbo could have stayed in Erebor, life would have been peaceful apart from some spats with the Elves of Mirkwood. Maybe Thorin would've visited Bag End from time to time after getting lost twice at first… These dreams Bilbo did not see that often, thank goodness, but whenever it happened he couldn't concentrate on anything the following day. If things were absolutely terribly he often started to cry for no apparent reason – or so the other Hobbits assumed. Usually the reason in those cases was that Bilbo remembered something Thorin had once said to him.

_"Tell me Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?"_

_ "He has been lost ever since he left home!"_

_ "I have never been so wrong in all my life."_

_ "I am sorry I doubted you."_

* * *

~..~

Far across the distance  
And spaces between us  
You have come to show you go on

~..~

* * *

The life in the Shire after a great adventure seemed strange. The routines came back painfully slowly (wait a minute, was there a _second_ breakfast?), and Bilbo could not help but wonder how no one cared about what had happened far to the east.

Damn it all, Thorin is dead, how can you not care?!

As the years passed Bilbo became more and more withdrawn. Adopting Frodo after the passing of his parents helped a bit but not nearly enough. How could Bilbo have ever returned to what had been, how could it ever happen, now that he had lost the one that meant him the most? Frodo was a good lad, though, and he knew exactly when he should not pry and ask questions. Of course he wondered why Bilbo sometimes locked himself into his room and wouldn't come out ever for meals, but he always decided to let it be. Bilbo would talk about it when he was ready. At some point Frodo realised, though, that Bilbo did not speak.

The warm smile of Thorin Oakenshield was but a bittersweet memory now. Bilbo wouldn't see it ever again and the knowledge of that made his chest burn with longing.

Bilbo received letters from Balin and Ori every now and then. They did ease the pain the same way Frodo did but it wasn't enough, nowhere near enough. And nor did Bilbo even want the pain to ease. There was a post script in one of Balin's letters that was written by Thorin's younger sister Dís. Dís seemed to know exactly what had happened but she did not blame Bilbo for any of it. She only thanked how he had taken care of her sons and how patient he had been with her stupid twat of an older brother (her precise words – Bilbo couldn't help but smile).

The letter was one of Bilbo's dearest treasures. Dís' words convinced him every single time that once upon a time Thorin and the lads had truly existed. There were times, to be honest, when Bilbo wished the whole adventure had been only a bad dream. And after wishing so he regretted it immediately. Had the adventure not taken place…

* * *

~..~

Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on

~..~

* * *

"You! What were you doing?"

Bilbo's relief turned into confusion in a nanosecond. Sure, in a way he had expected Thorin to be cranky and everything else but thankful, but he hadn't imagined the Dwarf king had the energy to rage. Bilbo had absolutely no idea how to answer.

"You nearly got yourself killed!" Thorin continued and breathed heavily. "Did I not say you would be a burden? That you would not survive in the Wild? That you had no place amongst us?"

There was a clear seed of truth in Thorin's words. Bilbo was gazing at the ground somewhere in front of the Dwarf king's boots and felt so ashamed. This had been expectable, of course. Of course he should have guessed…

"I have never been so wrong in all my life."

Bilbo, in turn, had never been so surprised in all his life. Thorin was hugging him – and it was a proper embrace. It did not last for long but long enough to make Bilbo feel himself warm and needed. Thorin had just admitted he had done something right, even if he could have got himself killed in the process. Bilbo almost wanted to hold Thorin's hand afterwards but he wasn't that brave, albeit he had just killed two Wargs and an Orc, from which he was not proud at the slightest, he had only acted because he had to and because Thorin's life had been in danger. He couldn't just stand by and watch that Orc kill him.

And then there was that smile Thorin granted Bilbo when they saw Erebor in the horizon from the top of Carrock…

* * *

~..~

Love can touch us one time  
And last for a lifetime  
And never let go till we're gone

~..~

* * *

Thorin told Bilbo about his feelings for him when they were in Lake Town. For many minutes Bilbo was so taken aback that he couldn't say a word. Only at the point when Thorin started to worry about his muteness he had managed to say something. Bilbo was still very embarrassed, though, that what he had said had almost been covered in vague coughs and other noises. It was a real miracle Thorin had been able to figure out anything from that mess.

Bilbo would remember for all times the smile of pure joy on Thorin's face when he told him he felt the same way to him. Thorin smiled even more happily than that time on Carrock and that was saying a lot.

And the night they spent together…

Under normal circumstances Bilbo would have never done anything like it, especially because he had just recovered from a tough cold, but at that very moment the circumstances were far from normal. It still gave Bilbo a twinge to even imagine the face of Lobelia Sackville-Baggins if she ever heard her relative had spent a night with a Dwarf king (even if the said king did not yet at that point have a kingdom to rule). On the other hand it hardly was any business of Lobelia's with whom Bilbo decided to share his bed. He was a mature Hobbit and could decide for himself, thank you very much.

Thorin was surprisingly gentle. He never forced Bilbo to do anything he did not wish, and stopped immediately whenever the Hobbit expressed feeling pain. Actually very untypically for himself Bilbo took the reins because Thorin was progressing too slowly. By the _valar_, they did not have an eternity! Besides, they were meant to head for the Lonely Mountain the following day. However, Bilbo had never been as happy as he was that night. Not even Fíli and Kíli's whining how they hadn't been able to sleep because of the noises from the room next door and Dwalin's insinuating (and infuriating) comments could ruin the happy feeling.

Unfortunately the happiness did not last for long.

* * *

~..~

Love was when I loved you  
One true time I hold to  
In my life we'll always go on  
~..~

* * *

Bilbo was not exactly sure how he had managed to get back to Bag End alive and all limbs intact after the adventure. For so many times he had feared that either this or that would be the death of him (in addition to which he would suffer from arachnophobia for the rest of his life). Still, he was back home and all in one piece, at least physically.

The mental side was a whole other story. Bilbo felt no relief that he had walked out of the adventure mostly unharmed, even though he probably should have. Bag End was far too silent and he was far too lonely to feel relieved, let alone happy. Bilbo had no idea how he could ever be happy again. It seemed quite impossible for him.

Gandalf hadn't said anything upon his leaving but something about his face told that he knew what was plaguing Bilbo's mind. He wasn't able to say anything that could've possibly made Bilbo feel better, so he had only said farewell and taken his leave. Bilbo was thankful of it because it was not words he yearned.

He yearned for Thorin and now he would never see him again. For the first nights in his own bed he would cry himself to sleep and wake up the next day with a killer headache. He did not mind the pain, though. The pain always reminded him how he had broken his heart, and he did not wish to ever forget.

* * *

~..~

Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on  
~..~

* * *

"The Halfling?"

"Bilbo is here, quite safe."

Thorin might've smiled had it not hurt so much. Gandalf had brought Bilbo as quickly as possible – and had made it in time against all odds. Bilbo felt himself extremely awkward but he silently sat on the edge of the bed. Thorin took his hand and squeezed it as hard as he could. He coughed some blood before speaking again.

"Farewell, Bilbo. I asked you here because I wish to part from you as friends, and I also take back everything I said at the Mountain's Gate."

Bilbo swallowed his tears the best he could but the result was very poor. The tears just stubbornly decided to start pouring down his face.

"It's a bitter adventure if it has to end like this, and no amount of gold will ever make this better", answered Bilbo with a thick voice. "But I am glad nevertheless to have been able to share the dangers with you – it has been more than what any Baggins deserves."

Now Thorin smiled in spite of the pain and he seemed to be crying as well. He coughed up some more blood and Bilbo wiped it to one of his sleeves. What did it matter now that Thorin was dying? Bilbo pressed Thorin's hand harder and prayed for a miracle.

"I'd like to see you smile", said Thorin quietly. "It reminds me of how good you are. Some courage and some wisdom, blended in measure. If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. I say farewell now and I ask you… I ask you to never forget me."

Bilbo sniffed and laughed at the same time. There was no way he could ever forget Thorin. That to happen it needed a greater miracle than the appearance of the Ring. Bilbo sat by Thorin's side for a very long time and hardly even reacted when Bofur came to tell him about Fíli and Kíli, the brave, wonderful lads.

What did anything matter anymore now that Thorin was dead?

That night Bilbo wept more than he ever had in all his life.

* * *

~..~

You're here, there's nothing I fear  
And I know that my heart will go on  
We'll stay forever this way  
You are safe in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on  
~..~

* * *

Bilbo Baggins had lived a long life. After leaving for Rivendell on his 111th birthday old wounds had finally begun to heal. He did not forget, he never could have, but he did not mourn the way he had either. Bilbo continued writing his book and wondered if anyone would read it after he had finished it. Not that it made much difference for him because the biggest reason for him to write the book was to get everything out at last. Bilbo did not write any specific details of his relationship to Thorin, though. He could not bring out the feelings.

Bilbo lived in Rivendell up until he left with Frodo, Gandalf, Lord Elrond, Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn for the Grey Havens and sailed from there to the Undying Lands with them. In secret from everyone Bilbo hoped his heart would finally find peace there. Eighty years was a very long time, surely he had deserved the rest the Undying Lands offered.

"Bilbo, I will tell you something now", Gandalf said abruptly when they had been sailing for four days. "It is said that when a mortal comes to Valinor, they will look the same as they did when they were the happiest. It is threateningly starting to look like you're getting younger, my dear Hobbit."

"How do you mean threateningly?" Bilbo huffed kindly. Gandalf only laughed and added that the journey would take two more days tops. Then they would've reached the journey's end. Bilbo was not completely sure what to expect but Gandalf and Frodo were there. He would manage.

Gandalf did tell the truth. The closer to Valinor they came the younger Bilbo got. He didn't even have to take guesses what his body was aiming for. He had been the happiest that night in Lake Town, quite naturally, even though everything had started to go wrong after that. Of course he had also been very happy when Frodo had moved in with him, but it had not been the same. Bilbo had not been truly whole since Thorin's death.

Finally one day Frodo blew into Bilbo's cabin and exclaimed, "We are almost there, Uncle! It's already in sight!"

"Is it now?" asked Bilbo and got up. "Best I came to see if the legends were true."

The sight was breathtaking. It was a far green country, full of hills, mountains and small lakes. Bilbo couldn't help but smile. The Undying Lands surpassed his imagination without any competition.

"Elrond, what do your Elf-eyes see?" asked Bilbo from the dark-haired Elf who did not seem to know how to react.

"They see great many things, dear Bilbo", answered Elrond.

"Is your wife there?"

"She is, and I was wondering if I could swim the rest of the journey but this ship brings us there sooner."

Elrond quickly winked an eye at Gandalf who smiled. Bilbo suspiciously raised his eyebrow. What on earth did those two know that he did not? They were just grinning at each other in a suspicious manner and it was annoying.

Bilbo was just about to demand for an explanation when the ship came to land. And then… then he saw the reason for Gandalf and Elrond's secrecy. He did not even bother to wait for the gangway to be set, no, he jumped across the gunway and afterwards received a tonne of questions from Frodo. But he could not wait, he just couldn't. He heard Gandalf and Elrond laugh somewhere that felt like a thousand miles.

"You certainly took your time."

Bilbo snorted. "What kind of a greeting was that?"

Thorin smiled and tears started to flow in Bilbo's eyes. "Fíli and Kíli told me to say so when you would arrive, my dearest Bilbo. Though I do take from your expression that it doesn't surprise you."

"Certainly not", muttered Bilbo, but he was happy that Thorin happened to mention the lads. Fíli and Kíli were fine, it was such a relief to hear that.

Thorin took Bilbo's hand and embraced him. Bilbo took a deep breath and then nuzzled against Thorin for the first time in eighty long years. Thorin was so warm. At last Bilbo was with the Dwarf he loved so much.

At last Bilbo was happy.


End file.
